I took a somewhat brief pause in sighing over getting stuck behind a slow-moving school bus while driving down Jefferson Street today (which I am still not sure how I ended up on). During my brief sabbatical from self-centeredness (is that a true word?) I happened to notice the kids coming off the bus. I will preface this with, God bless teachers. I couldn’t see the side of the bus, so I really can’t say whether they took the proper exit from the bus door or if they pushed each other out of the windows. Either way, they came off of that bus at around 60 mph….well, more like 40 mph when you subtract the wind drag they receive from their mouths flapping wide open while running a mile a minute. Anyway, I digress.
What I was getting to is that the first group of kids consisted of maybe 4 girls and 4 boys. We’ll call the first girl, “Girl A.” Girl A comes off the bus first and noticeably alone. She has a strained look on her face. She appears to be taller than all the other kids and equally proportioned horizontally. Then pops off the group of boys, about four in count. ”Boy A” is experiencing exactly what I was referring to earlier when I mentioned “wind drag.” He was yelling something when he came off the bus, but I didn’t hear what it was at first. I noticed he and his “boys” were walking quickly to remain behind Girl A as they walk down the sidewalk. As they get closer to my truck I hear what they are saying, or singing rather…I believe it was something of their own creation which they thought was quite clever. Girl A keeps glancing back to look at them the entire time and now I know the reason for both her repeated looks and the strained facial expression. The terribly clever group of boys were singing “Here piggy, piggy…Oink, Oink, Oink!!!”
My heart broke for her. Yes, I realize that this whole story is terribly cliché and it is all a part of growing up…whatever. I was that girl once. No, I didn’t necessarily get made fun of for my weight…at least, not that I am aware. I gained most of my weight in college, which luckily I attended a Christian-bubble university. Actually, to be completely honest…I’m pretty sure I made fun of my weight way more than anyone else. I do know what it feels like to be rejected and to feel out-of-place though and it isn’t a fun experience. I blame no one for the feelings I experienced but myself, because I did it to myself. I hid from years and years of heartbreak. Weight was my security blanket for a long time. I’ve only just managed to rid myself of some of that blanket, because I am finally ready. God has healed my heart and now I am free…My bad, went on a Shawna soapbox for a minute. Sorry.
Okay, promise…Back to Girl A. There was also a group of girls, approximately 3 or 4, who were walking behind the immature boy-band. The girls were giggling and whispering to each other as they walked, most likely trying to support their favorite boy-band. To be honest, this story doesn’t go much further than that…but it really doesn’t need to go any further. I sat there, mostly because the bus wasn’t going anywhere, and watched the whole thing feeling like I wish that I could do something or say something. I felt helpless. I thought about it for the rest of the drive, which is what made me blab it all out here tonight. I don’t really have a grand epiphany to relate or a grandiose tale about how I got out and told those boys off and went straight to their mothers. I was just thinking about how mean people can be and how bad it stinks to be on that receiving end. We all know what it feels like to be awkward at times and to feel disconnected and we all know what it feels like when someone takes that extra step to make us feel normal and a part of things. It would have been so much easier for all involved if the boys would have laughed and joked with each other and all the girls were walking and talking together…but that isn’t how things work. After processing it out in my mind during the ride and for the last little bit…I actually came to a completely different conclusion.
I didn’t even know my thoughts would veer the way they did, so I surprised myself. Bear with me, I do have an actual point. My final thoughts on everything is that, yes, it totally stinks that poor girl had to endure that walk home and probably all of her walks home with those same squeaky boys. She will most likely suffer emotional scars from the whole thing and go through many similar situations/feelings during her lifetime. My desire to end her pain at the bus stop today would maybe have given her a small reprieve, but it wouldn’t have made it all go away forever. It’s pain. It hurts. It always hurts…but that is what we are supposed to experience to grow. Am I glad she experienced pain the way she did? NO! Do I think she had to experience it that way. No. What I do think is that she has the chance to use it to shape herself into a strong woman. Believe me, I speak from experience. I’ve seen a lot of pain in my life and it took me almost 32 years to get to what I am writing out in this blog today. Pain is part of the human experience and it is what shapes us into who we are and how strong we become. I never realized what a strong woman God made me by all the heartache I have experienced in my life. Am I completely healed from it, no. I have only just learned to view it with a different lens. God brought me to this place, not me. I had to work on the inside for a long time before I could work on the outside. I’m finally to that place and I am happy. I am content with who I am and I love me. Am I my biggest fan? Probably not. However, I am proud of being exactly who God made me and part of that is being proud of how far I have come in my journey. I love my life and I love my God. I love my compassionate heart and my gift for serving others. I love my joy of laughter and making others laugh. I am still a work in progress on the outside, but I am getting there. I will reach that goal when it is time and I will love myself even if I don’t.
That little girl reminded me today that I had to go through everything I did in my life to find contentment. God didn’t cause any of it, but He sure has used it to His glory…and for that I am truly thankful. I pray that little girl grows up to be one amazing woman and that she uses all these experiences as a sharpening tool.
Man, all this emotional memory lane stuff has made me want a cookie.
